Moving Beyond the Spiritual Crisis
“Over the course of my spiritual journey, I have known many friends who have come and gone. The ones who are left behind are the ones that hit that line in the sand, the thing they wouldn’t do to continue with their journey. We will all eventually face this crossroad. Is this where you will park your spirit?
In this post, I’ll show you how I was able to take the steps that ripped my family apart and closed the chapter to twenty-six years of my life, without carnage or prisoners.” ~ Cari Palmer
When I was a very young child, I was able to see things happen before they happened. I would have what I called “visions,” and then they played out in real life a few days or weeks later. This happened a couple of times. When the abuse began and the story turned to tragedy, any extra senses I had disappeared. Fear took over. Because of this experience and so many other magical life occurrences, I’ve always been very aware that we are so much more than our physical bodies.
It came to me recently. I finally understand why most people on a spiritual journey end up parking their spirit. They get to a place where they no longer pursue the mystery of the unknown, and keep the knowledge they have gathered up to this point, and settle back into a life of being human and coexisting with everyone else. The curiosity evaporates; the hunger is gone.
The thing that is the roadblock for you, you refuse to take on the spiritual crisis that will break you in two as you tear your life and family apart. You’ve heard the guidance enough. You know what it is telling you to do and where to go. You know everything about it sounds like your obvious next step. However, you have fully invested yourself into this life that you’re living.
How can you possibly push the STOP button to pursue this unknown avenue that made its way to you? How do you walk away from the only life you’ve ever known? You can’t help but think of the carnage, and then because of the fear of the unpredictable, you permanently park your spirit. Every part of you wants to take that leap into the unknown, but you can’t because you will break too many hearts. You settle in to stay put, even though every part of you knows what you want to be doing. You just can’t.
We forget that the people we are afraid of hurting, the ones we would leave behind, are on a journey as well. Our not moving forward pushes their pause button, and we interrupt their progress. You stepping away from life to get to your path will only encourage them to find theirs. Everyone will always bounce back. We always do. If we don’t bounce back, then that is the journey we signed up to experience. We don’t stop living when someone dies. Well, if you do, I guarantee you aren’t reading this material.
I hope to convey that you can and should continue on your spiritual path and follow the crazy guidance that will uproot everything you once knew as your life. What you need to hear is that it doesn’t have to be a tragedy. When you go through this experience with your family or the ones who will be affected, if you do it through honesty, gratitude, and love, they can walk this walk with you. They may not like the inevitable, but they will begin to understand. They will get it because you made them part of your journey. They saw the transformation within you. They know you are not the same person you once were.
Twenty-six years ago today, we were in a crowded condo in Whistler village with Events & Adventures. From across the room, our eyes connected, and the spark was evident. We were a large group of single people all making pizzas to split. With such a crowd in the condo, we couldn’t get near each other. After pizza, I headed out with a small group to the village. We ended up in a large, almost empty bar with pool tables against the back wall. Moments after our first game of pool started, that man whose eyes I caught walked in.
As we sat on a table and chatted, we immediately had a huge life event in common. We both rafted down the Grand Canyon in private groups for 18 days within the last three years. I’ve never known anyone else who did this, and now we both have. That was all it took. This trip is a once-in-a-lifetime experience. To compare notes brought it all back to life.
By the end of the night, we were kissing wildly on a bridge in the village. He was trying to teach me the two-step, a country dance he had just learned. He’d been taking country dance lessons as he was just off the heels of a divorce, and he was ready to meet new women. For me, I figured he was just playing around since he literally was just married. I took it all with a grain of salt. He was by far the finest-looking, most powerful, and successful man I’d met in my life. Or even near, for that matter. Male figures in my life were nothing like this. I figured I’d just go along with it and see how long we lasted. I gave it six months.
From where I was in my life when we met, I was divorced from a man who was my sixth father. I was living my adult life hating myself and being a card-carrying victim until my early 30’s. By the time I met him in Whistler, I had dropped the victim story, and my training wheels were off. I was riding into my new life and testing the waters as a woman who could love herself. It was brand new territory for me.
We played hard for six months. He taught me how to rock climb, and we went on a backpacking adventure, my first. He challenged me in snow skiing. I realized I was pretty much a solid intermediate skier when I met him. Just trying to keep up, I improved quickly.
Exactly six months after we met, we went rock climbing in Fremont. After climbing, we grabbed dinner near the climbing gym. When he looked me in the eyes and told me he was in love with me, I just about choked on my chicken. I did not expect this. I had been waiting for the other shoe to fall off since the first meeting. But now, he says he loves me. Again, new territory.
When I met him I was just beginning my new life as a functional human. For my whole earlier life, I was operating under a victim mentality and blamed everyone else for any bad thing that happened to me.
When I left Ohio eleven months before I met him, I was finally the only one driving my bus after a quick stint in counseling. Over time I learned to love myself. I let go of all of the horrific and painful childhood memories. The sting was gone entirely from all of it. Even the sexual abuse was a distant memory as I went through a support group to rid myself of this.
It took me five years to pull myself out of the darkest hell-hole, finger by finger, toe by toe; I had to claw my way out and never allow myself to give up. The easiest thing to do is to give up, surrender, go back and succumb to a miserable but normal-for-you life. When this is all you know, this is your comfort zone. I couldn’t do this. There was always something inside of me telling me I had to forge ahead, that I’ve got this. I held firm and cried for years, but I moved out of victimhood, being my comfort zone. I pushed through it and took ridiculous leaps of faith.
We got married two and a half years after we met. Early on, we figured since we got married in our late thirties, if we were supposed to have a kid, we would go ahead and try early on. And it worked quickly.
I never did get very big during my pregnancy. Six weeks early, they had to do an emergency C-Section to remove our daughter. My blood pressure had skyrocketed, and our girl was failing fast. They needed to save both of us.
Our too-small baby girl would spend the first two months of her life in the hospital, enduring her first major surgery. She had four heart defects they didn’t detect in utero. Getting her healthy enough to take home was an ordeal. When they sent us home, we didn’t know if we would know how to take care of her. We didn’t have all of the monitors we’d come to know that told us if she was okay or not. Any new expression on her face would send us into a tailspin. It was a scary time in life.
Raising our girl has been such a gift. She got through her heart repair surgeries, and I can’t even count how many surgeries she has had since then. She is a massive part of the reason we came together. We have become yin and yang in our parenting styles, so she gets variety and balance, good, bad, or indifferent.
When we met, I was just off the heels of a substantial life-transforming change; my life was nothing like I knew before. Nothing about it was familiar to me. I evolved into something I’d never experienced. I didn’t know anyone in my life history who was like I was after counseling; fixed!
Before you, my village consisted of people functioning at the same frequency, which was dangerously low. Anger, apathy, despair, rage, resentment, jealousy were just some of the emotions experienced daily.
Now when I met you, none of that person existed. I was the sole driver of my bus and entirely in charge of my life. She was still so fresh in my memory, but you would never meet her. Just years before, she considered herself to be in the back of the bus with every other person in her life taking turns driving. She felt she had no control at all over her existence.
I had so many other tremendous, life-altering experiences over the 30 something years before I met you. My life had so many unbelievable obstacles I had to get through, but I did it. I got through every one of them.
I already had many significant life alterations behind me when you met me, clearly showing my upward and onward trajectory. As our life would unfold, your life was on a different track. As I was heading upward toward growth and expansion, you were on a slow, steady, and gradual climb. You love life very simply. You do what you need to do to be an adult, and then you love to get out and play and simply enjoy life’s pleasures. You’ve always been this way. You’ve had no interest in expanding your consciousness at any level as you are content right where you are.
Because when we met, we intersected at a point where I was ready to meet you; it was just that, an intersection. My line was upward to growth and expansion on a lightning-fast trajectory, and yours was happy as steady as she goes. Where we intersected was the exact point when we needed to meet.
But our getting together did not slow or change my expansion. Neither of us had a clue that my arrow was going in a completely different direction than yours. During our life together, you witnessed firsthand as I struggled to live in this body. My world was shifting in so many directions. I could not stop looking for answers to a question I didn’t know how to ask. I was looking for something, but I could not for a moment have a clue what it was.
Now that I am here, I can’t believe how beautiful it is – and I can’t believe no one else is willing to do the climb you must take to get here. It completely boggles my brain as from here; you are no longer searching for anything. You are home, and you know all that you need to know. And, as you now can understand, we can do this without casualties or prisoners. Yes, my life is completely changed, but everyone is aware of what has been happening as it has been happening.
Since I learned to be completely honest 100% of the time, everything started to shift with us. I never realized how many things I said yes to, that I wanted to say no to; as humans, we are hardwired to go along with everything. I couldn’t do this anymore. I was being dishonest to the one I was accountable to, and that was my vibration.
Of course, this bounced us far away from your steady as she goes expectations as this is how you loved to live your life. I was different and changing, and there wasn’t anything either of us could do about it. I had to follow this arrow. But I was honest every step of the way. You got to experience living with someone who did not have any negative emotions. I never get upset, stressed, or emotional. I have been simply happy for years. I honestly shared every part of this journey that you couldn’t begin to understand, but you listened, and I know you tried. You are just not supposed to be on this journey at this point in your life.
Over the years of my expansion, I taught you that beliefs are just thoughts people continue to think. You’ve heard me say this enough that whether you realize it or not, it has started to sink in. I know you have challenged some of your beliefs because you have witnessed me doing this, and you watch me moving on seamlessly.
There was a time long ago when I kept myself quiet. I found a small group of spiritual people which became a safe space to talk, learn, expand and share. As my journey exploded, everything about me shifted as I became a master of presence and Zen. I needed to get rid of stuff. I no longer wanted possessions as they were heavy energy and responsibility. I found Nirvana.
Long ago, I cared what my neighbors thought. As I grew, I began to speak my truth in my videos and blog posts openly. I knew full well that many people who knew me just ten years ago would not understand one iota of what I was talking about today. I became that woman in the neighborhood who had a third eye and antennas on my head. The best part was, I got to where I didn’t care what anyone thought. I had grown into such a peaceful spirit that I understood where all of them were and why I was so foreign to them. If it were me ten years ago looking at me now, I would be the same way. I would not understand one bit of what I know right now.
After being laid off from my full-time radio show, they called me back to work right before this journey started. Fall of 2016, a contest winner on my show was the link between the life I had before and my new life. She recommended the first and second books I would read on this brand-new-to-me subject I’d been introduced to, spirituality. With them, Pandora’s Box cracked wide open.
Once this door opened, there was never anything that would have stopped me in this quest. I would do whatever I had to do to get me to that next lesson or thing I needed to know. I was chasing a hot dog a foot in front of my face, but I couldn’t see it. No part of it was visible to me. I just had to follow the clues.
Over time, these clues became known as guidance. Over the last two years, guidance has been the only place I live from without question. I live by allowing, surrender, guidance and gratitude. That is it. I don’t make plans; guidance takes me everywhere I need to go.
Twenty-six years ago, on November 23rd, I met you. Over these years, you have witnessed my growth into something you can’t understand, but you have seen the transformation. Beyond question, I am not the same person you met in Whistler, nor the person you knew five years ago. I have lived through so many compartments, even during our time together.
Although you can’t wrap your brain around it, you have seen me receive downloads, guidance and do automatic writing. Each of these experiences has been profound for me and unbelievable for you – but you knew something was going on every time.
As my trajectory was going upward, we started to feel the contrast grow between us. You continued to do what you always did when I met you, steady as she goes, enjoying a life of outdoor recreation and sporting events. Meanwhile, I was changing right before our eyes. We both wanted it just to be simple and easy. I was the change, and we both felt it. I was going in a direction that we couldn’t explain. When I began to feel I was compromising my truth as I said yes so much. I should have said no to you when I began to feel me slipping away.
The thing that makes this so spectacular is that we have experienced all of it together. I have honestly shared every part of the journey with you, and you have listened. When my guidance told me to go to Sedona where I would meet another man, of course, you couldn’t understand it, but when soon after, he died, we learned why he came into my life.
Through the human lens, none of this would be acceptable or tolerated. But you have seen it explode in front of me as I have expanded. You have started to realize that none of this is or ever has been personal. I’ve e the guidance that I receive from the universe or wherever it comes from, and I always listen.
You can follow all of the guidance you get – and allow a spiritual crisis to come into your life. Just know we can bring our loved ones with us and help them understand what they can as we go. We don’t need to create more separation between our family and us. Even if the people you are surrounded by will never understand, like mine, pull them in for the ride. They may not have an opening in this lifetime, but witnessing what you have experienced has got to crack them open to a degree. Most will never even budge, but at least they have seen what is possible.
Most people on this planet are not ready to accept that life on Earth is not the reality. The reality is the other side of the veil. We are all here just experiencing opposites and playing both sides of every coin. We plan it all, and then we blind ourselves to it when we get here, hoping we will find the guidance to bring us where we hoped to go. Those who are not willing to know will keep it shut out at every cost. Even though there is so much evidence, they prefer to keep their heads in the sand.
As I very well know, once you start on this path, you cannot turn around. It pulls you through, and you need to just throw in your paddles and allow the current to take you down.
People on a spiritual path who are doing the work see a change in life and relationships frequently. As we grow and expand, our vibration also is growing. As our frequency rises, we leave behind relationships and opportunities that are at a lower vibration. We have no choice. Like equals like – water seeks its own level. We open ourselves up for the things that the newer, higher frequency will bring.
What can drive a spirit seeker crazy is when they know they have the golden ticket that will be the catalyst to change another person’s life – but the person has no interest in it. Like the man who will be my former husband, he is a total science guy. Over the years, I have given him multiple things to read or watch, which he has tried to do, but it will never make sense, not until he is ready for it.
The latest book I read, Surviving Death: A Journalist Investigates Evidence for an Afterlife by Leslie Kean, is a great example. The author is a total skeptic, but she does investigative journalism. She approached every subject on spirituality with that same skepticism, yet after rigorous testing and investigation, she is now a complete believer. I would think someone like my science guy husband would be so interested in this – but he has no interest whatsoever. Until someone is ready to drink exclusively from this well, they will not let themselves be cracked open.
Until they are ready to hear what will change their lives forever, they will never accept or desire any information we can offer them. It is very much a solo journey. They will never be ready for the way their lives will change.
What I’m trying to get across here is, nothing is more important than following the guidance you receive. Of course, it will scare the life out of you as it requires you to take steps you vowed never to take. We are not crows. We are not here to be with only one person “until death do we part.”
We build this world and life as humans, and when we get guided to an exit-your-life plan, it is the ultimate test of being human. It is the one line we will never cross, yet we have to cross it to grow. You will be in the rinse, repeat cycle until you take those impossible steps to follow your arrow to where you are supposed to go next.
When you are totally open and honest about your journey and share it with your loved ones, even if they don’t understand it – like mine, they will see the difference in you. They will know you are not the same person. Of course, they would want you to continue the role you’ve played as long as they’ve known you. But, if you honestly share the journey and experience with them, speaking nothing but the truth, they may not like it, but they will get it. It will be so much easier for all of you to do what you must do if you speak your truth. Speak it to them, but above all, communicate it to yourself.
The man I married believes he is his body, and when the body dies, it is the end of him. With where I come from, this has become a very dividing problem, one where he can’t take any steps toward where I am, and I cannot go back. We are lovingly leaving our marriage to pursue what we need to find in this lifetime. I want him to be happy and find the love he can share “steady as she goes” with for the rest of his life.
My guidance has uprooted me from everything I’ve known as “life” for the last 26 years. Do I have any idea where I am going from here? I don’t have a clue, but I am very okay with this. This is the way this magic happens.
As painful as they are, you must take those baby steps to get to the next step. When you get to the next step, the next thing will reveal itself to you. You will never get to see the complete picture of where you are heading; you only get one breadcrumb at a time.